Dad's Day (Because Every Other Day is About You)

Look, we’ve all got dad’s, you know? (unless your father is dead—in which case, I’m very, truly sorry for bringing it up. What happened, anyway? He was so young!) But anyway… dads… gotta love ‘em. Be they biological or a step-peppers, they’ve been there for you your whole life. He was there when you graduated high school and accidentally shit your pants with the nervousness of being on a stage in front of thousands of people. He stuck up for you when you were learning to ride a bicycle and you accidentally crashed it into your douchebag neighbor’s Ferrari and put a scratch in it and that greasy Mexican screamed at you and called you a worthless piece of shit, berating you until you felt like ending your life at the tender age of 5.

Dad’s. God bless each and every one of them. But the truth is, you haven’t done enough for him. Trust me… you haven’t. But the good news is, you can start this coming Sunday on Father’s Day. Selecting an appropriate gift is one way of beginning to build the bridge you burned when you stole $15,000 from his savings account and ran off to Thailand where you met a chick who didn’t turn out to be a chick at all (not that you knew that before you married it in an opiate haze).

Choosing a gift can be tricky, though. What kind of dad is he? Is he a nice dad or a really nice dad? Does he have muscles? Like muscle cars?

Dad’s are like snowflakes, no two are alike and an accumulation of them can cause car-accidents. Knowing your dad is the first step in selecting the perfect gift. If you don’t know your father at all, and shudder at the idea of learning more about him, why don’t you just buy something I suggest? Problem solved.



For the dad who likes to golf:

Buy him some golf tees. They’re cheap, useful and sometimes, you can find tees painted to resemble teeny little penises. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? Your dad hitting the links with a bag full of baby penises? What a hoot!



For the dad who likes sex:

Get your dad a prostitute. (but don’t skimp!!!) The options here are limitless. Does he like greased up black ladies? That can be arranged. Needle-marked, unwed teenaged mothers? Check. Little Chinese boys who have been sold into sex slavery? Sick.



For the dad who likes Don Cheadle:

This one’s easy. Hyperion’s Don Cheadle Collection on Blu-Ray. Featuring 8 of Cheadle’s best known works (Traffic, Boogie Nights… um, that one where he plays that guy… was he a cop? Shit. He was really good in it! You know the one I’m talking about). Anyway, if your dad likes Cheadle, he’ll fucking go nuts for this shit. Each movie has a commentary done by Cheadle himself and the collection comes with an autographed 8 x 10 photo of the Donster himself.

Sex Cheadle


For the dad who doesn’t like Don Cheadle:

Sex in the City on Blu-Ray. Are you kidding? Who doesn’t fucking love Don Cheadle? Your pep-pep must be a fruit.



For the dad who likes the outdoors/wildlife:

The possibilities here are wide open. You can get him some fishing lures. Or bug repellant. Maybe he needs some new waders or some hiking boots. Who knows? The folks over at www.daddybear.com have some great info, I’m sure (I’m not positive, though… I didn’t check it out, but it’s the internet. What could possibly go wrong, you know?)



For the dad who likes to read:

Kindle out of your price range? Get him a library card. He can check out VHS copies of forgotten 80’s classics like ‘Gung Ho’ with Michael Keaton, as well. The gift that keeps on giving (kind of).


Happy Dad, surrounded by books


For the dad who likes cars:

Check it: get him a Hot-Wheel of his favorite classic car. Include a card with it that says some bullshit like, ‘If this car were as big as the love for you in my heart, you’d have the real car.’ That’s pretty fucking lame, but sometimes, dads like that.



For the dad who likes food:

Get him a gift certificate to Don’s Tacos in Belton. The tacos there are really cheap, so even though you’re only spending $10 ($20 if you’re a real money-bags) he can take his girlfriend and her daughter and only end up spending like, $15-$20 out of his own pocket. Just tell him to stay away from the margaritas! Don mixes them strong and the last thing your dad needs is another DUI!


A dad, enjoying an afternoon at Don's Tacos




For the dad who likes his family:

Spend some time with him. Maybe you can grill out in the backyard or watch a ballgame on the television. It’s free—which means you won’t be spending any of your hard-earned plasma-selling money—and he’ll appreciate it. (you cheap, sad, son-of-a-bitch)