Papaw's Joke-Book (post-apocalyptic ha-ha's)

I didn’t have anything of consequence to write, but the wife was harassing me to write a blog, so I decided to whip something up. According to 89 year old religious crackpot Harold Camping, we were supposed to have a badass rapture today, but my sister-in-law is uploading pictures to her Facebook and she’s the most religious person I know, so apparently it didn’t work. I thought about writing a lengthy diatribe about the evils of organized religion, and possibly ridiculing various cults throughout history (Koresh, Heaven’s Gate, Jim Jones), but that would have required some work that I didn’t feel compelled to complete. Instead, I thought I’d share some of the jokes my grandfather used to tell me… on his death-bed. When he was stone-cold crazy and out of sorts. Please feel free to use them at your next office get-together, and get ready to be thought of as ‘the funny guy from accounting with the harelip’ instead of just, ‘the guy from accounting with the harelip’.

Enjoy!




What’s the difference between a Jew and a dairy cow? Three pints of kissing potion and a savings account.




Hercules walks into a bar toting his girlfriend’s poodle. He asks the bartender for a beer and a book of matches. The bartender takes on look at the dog and says, ‘look, pally, that dog can’t be on the bar.’ Hercules takes one look at the bartender and flexes his bicep. ‘Does this change anything?’ he asks with a wink. The bartender says, ‘nope. It most certainly does not.’





Two sparrows walk into a bar. Actually, they flew in, but don’t tell your mother that.





Why do they say everything is bigger in Texas?

Because that’s where your grandmother was from, and boy is she fucking fat.





What’s the best way to make a ghost cum? A handjob.





Jesus, Sandy and a Taco Bell cashier are on a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. Jesus says, ‘man, this is fucked up,’ because he remembers that he used to date Sandy back in the 80’s. The cashier from Taco Bell picks a scab from his forearm and tosses it into the sea. Jesus says, ‘I can get us out of here, but you’ll have to do whatever I say.’ Sandy is cool with that, and the Taco Bell cashier doesn’t speak any English, so he just nods. Turns out, the guy claiming to be Jesus wasn’t Jesus at all. He was a car-wash attendant at Murray’s Wax and Ride over off of 15 Highway.





What’s blue and green and sleeps in an airplane hanger? Your fucking grandmother.





How can you tell the difference between a liberal arts major and an orthodox rabbi from Minnesota?
Ask them to name three members of the 1980’s NL Champion Philadelphia Phillies.


Ric Ocasek is on a transatlantic flight with the Pope. An hour or so into the journey, he leans over and introduces himself to the His Holiness. The pope had never heard of him, but promised politely to buy some stuff on iTunes when he gets back to the Vatican.





What’s Montana’s state bird?
The black-beaked swallow.





How is driving a car a lot like playing mini-golf? They both end up with you laying in a cold, cold grave.





Two soldiers walk into a car wash. One of them tells the guy behind the counter, ‘I’ll have a Sex on the Beach.’ The car-wash attendant, quite fearful that the two men in uniform are there to deport him to his native Pakistan, begins crying softly before excusing himself to the restroom.




How to you keep Alicia Silverstone from killing your rabbit? You move to a different city and change your identity to something very unassuming.