Forward from "DMX: Get at Me, Dog- The Autobiography of Earl Simmons"

The year? 1988? The show? Growing Pains. I, of course, was Seaver family patriarch Jason, a funny, family-first psychologist. The episode? Season 4’s ‘Second Chance’ a ‘very special episode’ where Carol’s boyfriend (played by Matthew Perry) is involved in a drunken driving accident.

This was the first time I met Earl. See, when I met him, he was Earl; you probably know him as DMX, superstar rapper. Back then, he was an 18-year-old kid with a frilly afro and an aspiration to be in the spotlight. In the episode, he played Matthew Perry’s friend who leaves the party and ends up injured in the accident. The part wasn’t huge, but even with something so insignificant, it was pretty apparent that this kid had talent.

I really got to know him between takes. I found out that he was a smart, thoughtful kid who had a lot going for him. He was polite and respectful (this probably won’t help his ‘street cred,’ but it’s the God’s honest) and willing to go the extra mile. Since he was around my son Brennan’s age, I invited him over to ‘chill.’ To be honest, we didn’t have a lot of black people where we were living at the time, and I was afraid that Brennan was going to grow up isolated (sad fact: when I brought him over, my fears were confirmed—Brennan had never seen an actual black person).

As they bonded, I got to know Earl and in time, came to think of his as the chocolate kid I never could have.

This was until he got Brennan hooked on crack cocaine.

Earl was around so much that after awhile, he became background noise, like a television left on or a screaming Mexican family sharing a common wall with your apartment. That’s why I didn’t notice when shit began disappearing from around our mansion and Brennan began keeping such odd hours. I didn’t notice the hollow eyes, the bad skin and the god-awful yellow complexion he developed. I didn’t notice how Earl constantly shook and fidgeted or how he and my son hid in the dark corners of my stately manor wearing heavy winter clothes in the hottest part of the summer.

The final straw came two years after that fateful day when I first met Earl on set. High on crack and feeling quite invincible (I’m sure), Earl fucked my wife Gina, impregnating her in the process. That was it. I took out a restraining order. I sent Brennan to rehab. I forbade him to associate with the piece of shit I once considered one of the fam. Thankfully, Brennan got clean and hasn’t had a problem since. Earl, on the other hand… look at his track record. A failed music career. Further drug problems. Animal neglect charges.

Big fucking surprise.

Look, the bottom line is, if I see that motherfucker, I’m going to hit him in his mouth. I am going to knock his teeth down his throat and, while he’s begging me for mercy, I’m going to take a box-cutter and remove his genitals.

Fuck you, DMX. You are a worthless piece of shit and a terrible human being. I hope you die a painful death and are buried in an unmarked grave.


Alan Thicke- 2011